Goodbye, Clark, My Love
by LoveMeMore
Summary: What Lana is thinking when she says goobye to Clark in "Arctic"


Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville

Author's Note: Just because I wrote this does NOT mean my other stories are no longer on hold. It's just that when I saw this scene, I cried. I'm still recovering. It only seemed right to write this. Something like a tribute to Clana. A goodbye.

On with the story.

I stared at the video camera, my hands trembling. I loved him so much. That's way I had to do it. I closed my eyes, trying to pull myself together. I took in a deep breath, and turned the camera on.

I smiled, trying to form words.

"I was going to wait to talk to you in person, but," My voice cracked, my eyes stinging. "I knew that if I looked into you eyes, I'd never be able to say it," I though of his eyes. If I could only see them one last time. They made me feel like the world was still, like I was at home. I don't think that I could ever find that kind of love ever again.

"We though that we were meant to be together, Clark. But, the truth is, we were fooling ourselves," I fought the urge to cry until my head throbbed.

"I need you," I said, nodding. "But the world needs you more, and as long as I am in your life, I am holding you back." I'm so sorry, Clark. I don't want to hurt you. Please, I've put you through enough. You have to understand that this is the only way.

I could still feel his fingertips gliding across my skin. I could still see his exuberant smile. I could see his eyes anguished and dejected, watching me. That stabbed my heart.

Clark, I need you.

Clark, I love you.

Clark, I miss you.

"Please don't come after me," I tried to tighten the reigns on my tears, but I was loosing the fight. In that moment, I remembered everything.

_Flashback_

"I'm hanging out in a graveyard. Does that strike you as okay behavior?" I smiled and stepped closer to him.

"Hey, I'm here, too."

"Good point. What's your story?" I grinned, feeling like I could say anything to a boy I barely knew. Maybe that was what made it easier.

"Can you keep a secret?" Clark sniffed at this.

"I'm the Fort Knox of secrets."

"I…came to talk to my parents." I laughed a little with embarrassment and turned away. "You must think I'm pretty weird. You know, conversing with dead people."

"No, I-I don't think your weird Lana. Do you remember them?" I bit my lip.

"They died when I was three." Clark's eyes fell.

"I'm sorry," Somehow, an apology from a simple farm boy made it feel a lot better. Everyone said "I'm sorry," when they heard, but it had never affected me like it had now. I actually felt…less sorrowful.

_Next flashback_

"I'm just glad that you and I are so close," I smiled.

"Me, too. That's the thing about Clark Kent. He's not always there when you want him, but he's always there when you need him." He grinned, making my heart leap. He sat down next to me.

"It's a fine distinction." I turned to look at him. We were so close; I could see how green his eyes were.

"You the one who's helping me with the blood drive." Clark nodded.

"I am." I thought of Whitney and how much it hurt to think that he felt like he couldn't trust me. How he wasn't the one here with me, right now. But Clark was.

"You're the one who listens."

"I am," he said quietly, moving closer. I could feel his breath. I looked at his lips.

"You're the one who's here." I was moving closer and closer.

"Yeah," he whispered. We leaned in to kiss and the front door opened, Nell standing, eyebrows raised.

_Next flashback_

I looked at Clark through the rain. He stared right back at me. Mrs. Fordman fell into Whitney's arms. I looked away.

Whitney came up to me, ready to leave. His face was empty and full of sorrow. I placed a hand on his chest, trying to comfort him. He turned to leave with his mother. I made to do the same, but I felt eyes on me. I turned back, looking into the solemn of Clark.

We held our gaze, every kind of emotion showing. Clark was standing next to the angel statue, his eyes serious.

I broke the gaze and turned to leave.

_Next flashback _

"I don't even know if you can hear me, but I need you to know that from the first moment I saw you, I knew that no one could make me happier. But, I also knew that you would never change. You were always running around, trying to save the day. All those times I pushed away was because I knew this day would come." I stroked his cheek. I needed him to wake up. I needed to see those eyes. I couldn't live without them.

Clark opened his eyes, turning towards me. He smiled faintly, then flatlined.

I felt my hear stop.

_Next flashback_

"Mr. and Mrs. Kent?" I asked quietly. It hurt to be there, but I wanted to comfort them. I heard footsteps. I realized that it was Clark. I clutched the door for support.

"Clark," I breathed. I ran into his arms, loving the way he wrapped them around me.

_Next flashback _

I quickly shut the door, hearing Chloe's muffled, "Great," I turned my phone off. Not sure why, I retreated behind the wine.

There was a small gust of wind and Clark was suddenly there. My brow furrowed.

"Clark?" Chloe called.

"Chloe!" He yelled back.

""Hurry. I'm freezing in here." Clark made for the handle. I expected a tug and a disappointed sigh, but he ripped it right off.

"The handle broke, Chloe. Hold on." He grabbed the door and ripped it off it's hinges. My eyes widened.

"Thank you so much," Chloe said, rubbing the warmth back into her arms. Clark grinned.

"That next time you have a craving for a bottle of wine, go for a red," They moved so that the wine was blocking them. I stepped closer without letting them know I was there.

"Yeah," Chloe said. "I'm so, so sorry. I knew you'd rather be tied to a boulder of kryptonite than come down here for ground zero at the Luthor Lang wedding, but I didn't have a choice, it wasn't my fault. Lana hid Lex's present down here and she asked me to come and get it then the door shut." Clark looked down at the mention of my name. He moved around Chloe's small frame.

"I'd better go," he said quietly. Chloe wasn't having that.

"Wait, that's it? You've filled your damsel in distress quota for the day and you're just going to walk away?" Clark looked tiredly at her.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I just always figured you'd sweep in at the last minute and save the day but you're not going to do that are you?" Clark didn't meet her eyes.

"If Lana didn't want to marry Lex, she wouldn't," he said it like he was trying to convince himself. My heart stung at that.

"Yeah but Lana's not my hero Clark," Clark was my hero. He always had been. "You are. And this whole idea that you haven't told her who you really are, that you're giving up the person that you totally love because you're-" Clark cut her off.

"I'm trying to protect her-"

"Good job. She's marrying a monster and she's gonna be trapped in a loveless life." I lowered my eyes. It was true. I was marrying a man on the verge of total evil. He was more monster than man. But he was a Luthor. Once you're a Luthor, you're always a Luthor.

"You think this is easy for me?

"I think it's easier than getting hurt. Clark, you don't hesitate to run into a burning building, or jump in front of a bullet because nothing can penetrate that iron flesh of yours,"

What?

"The one time saving Lana means putting your heart on the line, the man of steel is nowhere to be found." Clark looked at Chloe with so much sadness, my heart moaned with anguish.

"Giving up Lana's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And if you don't know that," he paused, his voice firm. "You don't know me very well."

There was another gust of wind and he was gone. I looked down, eyes glistening with tears that were about to fall.

I was marrying Lex.

But I didn't love him.

I loved Clark. I always had.

I had to get away before I became the next Mrs. Luthor.

_Next flashback_

"Lana?" I hear his footsteps. He kneeled down in front of me.

"It's me, Clark." I knew it was him, it always was, would always be. He cupped my face. Then, Clark reached out, taking my numb hand. I couldn't look into those eyes; only keep looking out, at nothing. I couldn't even see anything. I wanted to see his eyes so bad. The pain that I was experiencing was too much. Just seeing those eyes would take it all away. I needed to. I summoned all my strength and used the words that Brainiac pushed into my mind.

"Ka-el." I whispered. Wait, that wasn't what I wanted to say! I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That I was still there…somewhere. But I couldn't.

"Kal-el," I widespread again, just a tad louder. I tried to fight the words, but it was impossible.

"You're too late, Kal-el," NO! No, he wasn't! He couldn't be. My mind raged, but quickly stopped. I barely felt when his hand closed my eyes. I wanted to open them, to kiss him. The last thing I felt was his head in my lap.

I was gone.

Gone for good.

_End of flashbacks._

Now I was here. Staring into a camera, telling the only love of my life that I was leaving. My heart was screaming in pain. It was broken so many times, he had fixed it. The only way to love him was to hurt him. I hated that. I said the words that made me cry.

"I love you, Clark," My voice cracked on his name. Oh, how I loved him. I loved him so much. I tried to pull myself together. I gave him my best smile.

I loved his lips and how they kissed me sweetly. I loved his hair and how I could tangle my fingers in it. I loved his eyes and how I could lose myself completely in them and feel safe. I loved his skin and how it radiated warm. I loved his smile and how it made my whole world brighter even when it was pushed into the dark depths. I loved his hands and how they held my heart. I loved his heart and how he loved me with all of it.

"More than you will ever know," I gave him one last smile and shut the camera off, the tears flowing freely.

I love you, Clark Kent.

Never forget that. No matter who you end up with, I will always love you.

Never forget me.

Goodbye, Clark, my love.


End file.
